The foundation of a healthy relationship

Source: New City, Philippines 

“How do I know whether I should continue in a relationship or not?” (Paula S.)

Often in psychotherapy, patients continuously make specific requests. One of those frequently-asked questions is precisely about whether or not a relationship is worth continuing.

At the start of any new relationship, whether a personal or a professional one, both parties will often put their best feet forward: be considerate and treat the other well, express appreciation for the other, and even give presents.

Aren’t we usually kind and accommodating to people we have just met? However, if and when we want to discover someone and get to know him better, it is important to observe first how he treats himself. This person could be your boss, a colleague, someone who has a crush on you, or a friend, but sooner or later, they will treat you the way they treat themselves.

According to the psychotherapist Mel Gill, we should first observe their behaviour and attitude. Are they disciplined or lacking in self-control? Do they assume responsibility for their actions? Are they aware of their gifts and achievements? Do they know how to forgive themselves when they fail? Do they try to understand themselves? Are they generous with themselves?

A person with high expectations of himself will be critical of others too. A disciplined person who sets rigid limits will not be understanding towards others. If they don’t assume responsibility for their actions, they will end up blaming others for their fault.

On the other hand, a person who knows how to celebrate life will also celebrate that of others. Someone who knows how to be gentle with himself will be gentle with others.

The saying that one can love others only to the same extent that one loves himself holds true. Observe him and see if he shows signs of self-love and self-respect. If he does, he may be more likely to love and respect you fully, thus your relationship with him will be worth continuing.

Another factor is that true love should be the basis of a good human relationship. If a person had an experience of love which originated not only from a human source, but also from a deep faith in the love of God, then she could also love another sincerely.

Love requires respect, truth, mercy, suffering, and understanding for the sake of the beloved. And since true love finds its apex in the source who is God – who is also the source of true life – the more a person shows his similarity to the Son of God, the one person who shows us what true love is, the more a relationship can develop.

On the other hand, the more a person proves to be unloving and egoistic, the more a relationship can easily die off.

Pasquale Ionata with Jenni Bulan and Fr. Am Mijares