Different strings but one musical score

Source: New City, Philippines

“I have been engaged to my boyfriend for two years and both of us want to build a solid and lasting relationship. How can we develop mutual esteem and love as our differences begin to emerge, and our flaws or limitations appear before us. I am afraid that our love may weaken, and that our relationship may break up?”

- L.F.

The idea of engagement no longer seemed fashionable, yet recently the beauty and importance of this period, that is, the time to plan for a future with a strong base, is re-emerging.

The attention that Pope Francis gave to this topic, inviting young people from all over the world to celebrate and reflect with him on this theme for Valentine’s Day, made us understand that we must love one another not only with passionate feelings that idealize the partner, but also with an understanding of things, an acceptance of the other person, of his or her past and culture. Engagement and even marriage, in fact, are based on relationships built up together in time. It is an “everyday craft,” as Pope Francis calls it.

We all have limitations and flaws, but as depicted in a classic fairy tale, these are all collected in a bag that we carry over our shoulder, and more easily we see those of others rather than our own. We should remember the many good qualities of our partner whom we liked at first and learned to love by continuing to discover new ones in him in different situations of life. Preserving our self-esteem, as well as mutual esteem will help to bring out the potentials and the best in both of you. In this way you can both grow in your personal development, and will be able to embark on a serious commitment like in marriage.

The experience of real fulfilment in a relationship is not about possessing the other person but in making the other happy. As Kahlil Gibran wrote in his classic book, The Prophet, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness. And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

“Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

Giovanna Pieroni